Selfish
by res.chen
Summary: Thoughts of Hinata and Sasuke about their relationship when there is too much time to let their minds wander.
1. Chapter 1

He looked peaceful when he was sleeping, he looked peaceful only when he was sleeping. Every time he was conscious there was worry in his eyes. Not always shown anywhere else on his face but in his eyes; eye to be more specific, he covered one most of the time. Not when he was sleeping though, then he seemed relaxed. Maybe it was only because she couldn't study his eyes and the emotions hidden within.

Her brows furrowed and she laid her head back on his chest. His steady breathing and the beat of his heart were soothing her. Still, it made her feel bad, she did not deserve this. All she ever wanted to do was to make it better, to ease the pain and worry. Sleeping next to him seemed to help, that's what he told her at least, she kept his nightmares away. And truth to be told, she never noticed him having an uneasy sleep. She should be happy about that. She was, to an extent. It was not enough though, she still hurt him more than she made him happy.

And what about the nights without her. When he left her for an unannounced time, wandering around in this large, brutal world. When she knew that nightmares haunted him. It was to protect the village, to protect her, that's what he told her every time he left. She didn't want to hear it.

What about the days he was so lost in his thoughts that he barely noticed anyone, barely noticed her watching him. When he was laying in the dirt, exhausted from training, staring into the sun. That's when he thought of the lives he took and the lives lost in the war, about his brother, about his lost clan. That's what he told her. She believed him, mostly.

But there was too much doubt in her, thinking that he might regret her as well. She hated herself for those thoughts, when she was alone but even more when she was right beside him, with his arm wrapped around her. He always said that he didn't deserve her, her kind nature, her care, her love. It was her though. She was the one who didn't deserve him, his loyalty, his attention, his love.

They had fought earlier. They fought about him leaving, about her coming with him, about their relationship no one knew about. She had screamed at him, that he didn't really love her. It had hurt him, she knew that, she wanted that. He should hurt the way she was hurting because he left again. After the war, after all this time together, he was still able to leave and he should suffer for it.

It was not right, she was aware. It made her feel like the worst, she knew she was the worst. She started crying after that, hated herself for breaking down in front of him again. She apologised, still sobbing and hiding her face.

He came up to her and hugged her, letting her hide her face in this coat.

 _I do though._

That's what he said. Of all the things he could say, of all the things he could do, he remained gentle. She did not deserve him. She sobbed an apology and another and another. He let it happen, stroking her hair. After a while she gathered enough courage to look up to him. There was the familiar expression in his eyes, worry. He had wiped away her tears and she had felt the knot in her stomach. Doubts. She was not enough for him, not good enough, he needed someone stronger. He needed someone that didn't break when he was leaving.

 _Why can't you stay_ , she had asked him.

He heard the same question over and over again. She heard the same answer just as often.

 _I can protect you better, when I don't stay here._

She did not deserve him. After all the terrible things she said the him, after all the petty things she has done trying to make him stay, he still only wanted the best for her.

He kissed her and she kissed him back. They lost their clothes and ended up in the same position they always did. He slept in peace and she worried. She worried through most of the night until she could the birds again, that was when she finally found an uneasy peace herself.

When she woke he was gone. He was gone again and she cried again. He had left her a note.

 _I need you to stay strong, I will come back soon._

With shaky fingers she pressed the note against her chest. She did not deserve him. She did not deserve him coming back for her. She did not deserve him spending his nights with her.

But here she was hoping he would come back soon, hoping it would not be the same, hoping that next time he would take her with him. Because after all she knew that the worry in his eyes was for her. That's what he told her. And she believed him, she believed him because she loved him.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** It's been awhile since I last wrote a fanfiction, more than 5 years to be exact (and I have done basically only academic writing for a while now).

However, I thought I'd give it a go and see what I come up with (as a writing exercise and just for fun). To be honest, this story might be all over the place (I might continue this as a series of snippets).

Hope you enjoyed reading and I would love some feedback (as everybody does).

Lots of love.


	2. Chapter 2

He wanted her, he wanted all of her, and he wanted all of her so bad. But that was not good, it would never be. He was not allowed to harbour those feelings as they would only bring harm to everyone involved. He was not made for relationships, not made to form bonds.

Or maybe he was? He had the lingering feeling that he didn't know himself anymore. He seemed so unaware of what he wanted, what he was good at, or what his goal was. Was he really a good shinobi or was he just good at bringing destruction? Wasn't the goal once upon a time to restore his clan and to have children that would carry his bloodline?

How would she answer those questions? At times he thought that she knew him better than anyone else. She would tell him of all the good he has done, how happy he made her. Happy.

 _Hinata._

He had walked all day and through most of the night to bring distance between each other, so he couldn't run back. Now he was exhausted and felt like he should die. He had left her again. He laid down on the cold stone in a cave, hidden from the world, too tired to move a muscle.

He was aware of the pain he caused and how fragile she was. He was guilty. Guilty of it all. He knew he broke her down over and over again. Seeing her cry made him feel all sorts of things but mostly it was a prove that she still loved him. He was the worst kind of human being. Disgusting. He needed to be punished.

He could not help himself though. She was all he ever wanted. He was not strong enough to let her go once and for all. He was not strong enough to let go of the comfort he felt having her in his arms, the calmness that took him over when she smiled at him. He could not remember ever feeling at peace like he did when she told him that she loved him. Him. Of all people.

She truly was too gentle for his cold heart and too good for this world all together. Before he met her he never knew that a kunoichi could feel compassion like she could, with open and warm arms she welcomed all the misfits without prejudice.

He was not just a misfit though, he was too dangerous, for himself and everyone around him. So he did the only thing he knew how to do, he ran away from her. Again and again and again. Only to come crawling back weeks later.

Isolation suited him, she did not.

 _Hinata._

Playing with the thought of letting him stay by her side, he couldn't allow himself to even linger in such a heaven. She was too important to be so close. What if someone attacked him and she got hurt. He couldn't bring physical pain on her.

He let out an angry, heavy breath.

Not physical pain but he brought her all this mental pain of separation and what for? Only so he could taste the sweet satisfaction of seeing her smiling at him when he returned, of hearing her moans when she was with him? He should not be allowed to feel this happiness and peace, it served him right to suffer through the nights now that he was so far gone.

 _Hinata._

Did she miss him the way he missed her, with all his body and mind? He needed to stay away as long as he could endure it, he needed to wallow in his own pain. It made his guilt appear less. Guilt of her pain and the pain caused by his wrongdoings.

She caused a sweet weakness in him, it made his tongue loose. All his thoughts seemed important because he was so important for her. It was pleasing. And she believed in everything he told her, how could a pure being like her not. And even someone as dark as him could not lie to her, he rather lied to himself. A truth he believed in as well could not be a lie.

He was terrible, he knew that, but why did it feel so satisfactory to go through this again and again?

Though it was good that he had left. It was true that she was safer now, safer from his enemies and more importantly himself.

He knew he needed to stay away from her. Yet he couldn't remember the last time he felt so complete. And he would return when his desire for her was too much to bear. He did not deserve the happiness she gave him, for all that he has done. So he would leave her again, that she could finally hate him. He would leave a note though, hoping that she never would.

* * *

 **Author's Note** : I didn't expect myself to post again so soon but I was inspired and thought I might as well ride on the high as long as I can.

I'm not sure how this will end, so you're very welcome to speculate (I will as well) and I might take some your suggestions into account.

Thanks for all the feedback and favourites, it really warms my heart. Hope to hear a lot this time as well.

Lots of Love.


	3. Chapter 3

His steps grew faster the closer he got to his destination and his own excitement and expectations increased just as much. He had been gone too long for his taste but then again, no matter how long he was away from her, it was always too long for him. He missed her with every fraction of his body and mind. He missed the soft curve of her face, he missed the sweet smile that appeared on her lips when she was with him, he missed her gentle touch, and he missed feeling so loved.

He had been gone for a few weeks, a usual time interval for him to be away. A time for him to try to get his mind focused on anything else. He had failed mostly. Failed to his own resignation. He had realised by now that he couldn't be without her. But he could also not be without the pain of their separation. It felt like something he needed.

Nonetheless his feet carried him to his old district, he was not able to stop himself from following his own selfish desires. He knew he would meet her there, it was always the same. An old routine that was never planned and still seemed to work so well. She would come in the evening still exhausted from training and he would embrace her in his arms, finally feeling that his world was complete again.

Being back at home brought back bad memories but he pushed them aside. He waited on the back porch of his old family home. He waited for her. Hoping she would come. Hoping she would not hate him. Testing his own patience.

Maybe this time she would not come. Maybe she had had enough. Maybe she loved somebody else now. Maybe she had finally realised how terrible he was.

But if she came, he would know that it was her choice. That for her it was not over yet. That there was still hope for him. That their love was something they both chose.

Hours had passed until he noticed her presence. It could only be her. Nobody except her ever came to this place. It was forbidden and feared. Mostly feared though. His inner turmoil calmed itself when he saw her face and her reaction to his presence. Her face was filled with so much relieve it seemed to be bursting. It made him happy. His face was unchanged but she would know how filled with joy he was.

 _You're back._

He voice was the sweetest melody to his ears. And she was the sweetest sight. She ran up to him and hugged him fiercely, her arms locking around him like she would never let go again.

 _I knew you would be back._

She looked up to him and smiled shyly. He softly caressed her face. His hand rested on her cheek and she leaned into it. She was so shy in public but so outspoken around him. She would tell him everything. All of her worries and desires, he knew them. And after all she told him how much she hated him going away over and over again.

It felt good being here with her, it felt good to kiss her, it felt good to have her beside him, it felt good to take her over. It felt too good. A bitterness spread inside of him. He was no good. He couldn't even enjoy being reunited with her. He worried about her. Worried if he destroyed her life and soul. She should not end like him, broken like him.

 _How have you been?_

They laid on his old bed, she in his arms. She belonged here, she belonged here in his arms forever. But did she want to belong here? Did she still want to belong with him after he had left her? She came to him, that should be prove enough but he needed to hear her say it. He needed to hear that she was with him because it was her decision. She was here because she wanted to.

For the fraction of a second he thought he saw something in her face, something that proved her words wrong. It must have been his imagination. It could only be his imagination.

She told him about her training, about her missions, about her teammates, and everything that has been going on in the village. She told him about his team and how they missed him. She told him how she missed him. She told him how happy she was now that he was back. She told him how much she loved him and how happy he made her. How much he helped her to be a better person, to be stronger kunoichi. She told him that she needed him and this relationship and that it was the only thing that mattered to her.

It made him feel satisfied hearing all these things, it was comfort for his soul. If she was still happy even though he had left, he would be able to leave again. He would be able to leave to make himself suffer like he deserved it. He would leave again because she was able to take the pain that came with it. Because she loved him and because she was strong. She was so strong.

But this fraction of a second had seeded doubt in him.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** So I decided in which direction I will take this story. It probably will be a slow development though (but who knows).

Hope you enjoyed reading.

Lots of Love.


	4. Chapter 4

She felt lost in his arms. She felt so good in his arms but she felt so lost. How long would he stay by her side this time? He had been here long. Longer than usual. It scared her. Why she did not know. She should be happy. She was. Never was she happier than with him and never was she sadder than without him. She embraced him tighter. She would never want to let go. She would never let go.

His hand softly stroked her back. She must seem so needy to him. It was pathetic. But it was enjoyable, having his attention made her feel important. Important to him. It was the only thing that truly mattered. She was pathetic and at some point he would notice. He would notice that she was not good enough. He would notice and leave. She could not let that happen.

 _Are you ok?_

That awful, redundant question. That dreadful question. He had asked her repeatedly this time around, the worry in his eyes was stronger than usual. It had upset her, it upset her now. Of course she was ok. What else could she be. She was with him. Didn't he see that? Didn't she tell him every time that she was perfectly fine. She was fine.

 _I'm fine._

She rolled her eyes inwardly and in the next moment wanted to cry. On the outside she smiled softly. He studied her face and she wanted to scream. Was he not convinced? What else could she do? She was fine, why did he not believe her. Did he doubt her? He must be. He was doubting her, he was questioning her, he was not trusting her.

She pulled him down by his collar and kissed him softly. She needed to convince him. If he didn't believe in her words, he needed to be convinced by her actions. She was fine. She really was. As long as he stayed by her side. As long as she knew that he'd come back. He always would.

He broke the kiss. And he looked at her face again as if he was searching for something. For what she did not know. She did not want to know. It was awful. Were her words and actions not enough for him? Was she not enough? She wanted him to get lost with her like she got lost with him. This bittersweet feeling. It was filling her up and keeping her empty at the same time. She could never get enough.

 _Are you sure? I thought…_

His mind drifted towards a thought she did not like but she used her lips to keep it at bay. This time she more eager. She was fine, why did nobody believe her? Why did he not believe her?

 _You can trust me you know._

This time her smile was brighter. This time it was more playful. This time he had to believe her. All the crying was nothing, all the pain was nothing, all the questioning looks from her team were nothing. It all did not matter. Nothing mattered anymore except for him. Except for these moments of peace.

These moments that she did not deserve but needed so desperately. She was the problem, not him and not him leaving. And she could deal with herself when she was alone and when he was with her she did not need to. She did not need to because she did not matter anymore. Only he did.

And he would be leaving her soon, she was aware, and it was fine. She was fine. Fine with it all. Because she knew he would come back to her. The way he worried about her and the way he looked at her now. The way he would hold her, the was he would kiss her, and the way he would say goodbye. All of it meant that he had to come back. For his own sake, because he loved her. Something she did not understand.

 _But I would be better if you took me with you._

It was a sly approach, she was aware. He had tried to avoid the topic. But she needed to be with him. She needed him to come back. She thought he knew that. He was the one holding her together.

* * *

 **Author's Note** : It's been a hot minute. I'm more of an impulsive writer (and quite busy the past weeks), so there might be more very soon.

Hope you enjoyed it and as always I would love some feedback.

Lots of Love


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note:** This time in front of the chapter, sorry if that bothers you.

As one might notice, I changed the rating to M. Not because I'm going to use coarse language (though the thought is appealing) or start writing lemons, but because I feel it fits better given the overall content and topic of this fic.

I hope you enjoy and I would love to know your opinion.

Lots of Love.

* * *

 _One hour._

It had been one hour since he had left. And she had cried for this entire hour. She had started as soon as she woke up. And she would not stop for a while. They had fought again; the same routine. It had not been the same though. Something was off. Something was different. She couldn't put her finger on it and she didn't want to. Routine meant the same. Routine meant he'd come back. It meant she was important enough for him to come back.

Thinking hurt her head. She didn't want to. Her eyes hurt enough. Her heart hurt enough. She stared at the ceiling of his room and let the tears continue their stream. For now she hurt. But she would be fine. She would be up on her feet again when he was here. Then she was complete again. Everything would be ok again. Being shattered was nothing. Being together was everything.

Now she noticed that he had not left a note.

 _One week._

It had been one week since he had left. Her days felt empty just as she did. She was longing for something she could not have. Not yet. But soon. She knew soon he would be back. It got harder every day. Her doubts got bigger. They were drowning her. Maybe he would not come back this time. Maybe he had enough. Did he really love her? He did. She was sure. And she did too. She loved him. Loved him so very, very much.

She avoided people, her friends and family. They didn't matter enough. Her pain was larger than her sentiments for them. It overtook her. She enjoyed it. She loved him, and she loved to suffer for him. Loved to suffer because of him. It gave her existence a meaning.

 _One month._

It had been one month since he had left. The nights were colder. Her hair was longer. She was sure he would notice. He always noticed the small details about her. He would know how much she had missed him. He would come back soon. She knew he would. He wouldn't leave her alone. He couldn't.

Focussing on missions was harder. But she had to, she was a kunoichi. She had to survive. She had to survive for him. She didn't want him to be heartbroken. But wanted him to hurt. She was in pain and she hoped he was as well. She hoped he suffered during their separation. She hoped he couldn't sleep at night. She couldn't.

 _Two months._

It had been two months since he left. Never had he been gone for so long.

She looked at her reflection in the mirror and searched for answers she could not give. Maybe he was hurt, maybe he was killed. But people would have told her. He would have let her know. He promised that to her. That promise was made a long time ago though. Maybe he had forgotten it. Maybe he did not. She was sure he had his reasons. He was just delayed. They never spoke bout how long they would be separate anyway. And when he would come back, he would embrace her. He would look her in the eyes and tell her how much he loved her. He loved her so much. He always would. That's what he told her. But that was a long time ago.

Had he noticed how inferior she was, how much better he could do? How many beautiful girls were out there? She shook her head. Maybe she was not good enough but that did not matter anymore. She decided that it had stopped to matter.

 _Four months._

It had been four months since he had left. Her mind and body ached. Her mind ached for his presence. She was not complete without him. She was not worth a whole person without him. She never had been. She realised that now.

Her body ached because a mission had gone wrong. She was wounded. It was pathetic. She was supposed to be stronger than this. She had worked hard to be stronger than this. She was pathetic. Though she wanted him to see her like this. She wanted him to see her in this hospital bed with bruises all over her body. She wanted him to feel guilty. He should feel guilty and come running back to her. Telling her how wrong he had been to leave her behind. Realising that her rightful place was by his side. And his place was by hers.

 _Seven months._

It had been seven months since he had left. She was worried. She was worried and angry. Worried and angry and sad and hurt and empty. He couldn't have forgotten her, could he? He had told her so often how important she was too him. He hadn't, she was sure of it. He was not allowed to forget her.

She had not forgotten him after all. There was never a time when she did not think of him. During the day he was in her thoughts and during the nights he was in her dreams. And the dreams were so sweet and then some were so bitter. One time she had dreamed to die by his hand. He had been so generous to relief her of her pitiful existence and to kill her himself. She had never woken up so at peace. It was the only way to die she deemed worthy as his companion.

 _Eleven months._

It had been eleven months since he had left. They told she lost weight, they told her she looked tired, they told her she was distancing herself, they told her she had changed. What they told her did not matter. They did not matter. Not anymore. She did not matter anymore; her life didn't matter. Only he did.

She only breathed to be by his side again. And she would wait here patiently for him to come back like he told her to. She would not give up. She would never give up. He would come back. She knew it. And she would never let him go then. Because she would never want to let go. He was hers.


End file.
